Hello my dear readers! I hope your year has gotten off to a great start like mine has (more on that soon). First let me apologize for going silent for so long. I left you with a brutally honest post and then seemingly disappeared. Let me start by saying I am doing VERY well. My last treatment was on November 26th and when it was finally over, I needed a break. I needed to step away from the hell that was the past several months of my life. I had the chance to feel more like myself than I had in a long time. The reprieve was an opportunity to recuperate with family and truly relax for once. I stepped away from everything “cancer” related that I could, and took several refreshing deep breaths.
I’m back now, to a reality that still requires a lot of work, but has seen so much improvement already. Following a PET scan, a lumbar puncture, and a bone marrow biopsy I received another phone call. Except this time, instead of life-shattering news, I was rewarded with life-renewing news. The bone marrow biopsy and lumbar puncture came back clear! The cancer is gone! I wish I could tell you that I was overcome with joy and that it brought tears to my eyes because that is what I imagined my reaction to be from the beginning. Hearing that kind of news was what I had fantasized about for the past 6 months. Now don’t get me wrong, I was definitely ecstatic when I heard; however, instead of a burst of energetic triumph, I felt a sudden calming relief that eased the subconscious tightness in my shoulders. I am finally at a place that I had been praying for for so long.
The best part for me was getting to call my parents and share the news with them. Hearing the sigh of relief in my mom’s voice was a reminder of the sacrifice she made for me and the love she showered me with that kept me going. The moment my dad’s voice cracked when he tried to respond after hearing the good news was a reminder of the stress he went through and the great lengths he went to to make me better.
I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that I am not finished with cancer. It is a very curable form of cancer, but I can’t deny the fact that it could come back at some point. I will continue with check ups and more scans every 3 months, but the goal is that in 2 years my doctor will be able to declare me cured. Right now, I choose to cherish the freedom I have been gifted. I’m working through the anxiety that eats at me everyday, but I think I am finally coming to a place of acceptance. It took me 6 rounds of chemo to truly accept that I have -I mean had- cancer. I realized that throughout treatment I kept setting benchmarks for myself. I’d say, “If I could just get better results halfway through it’ll be easier” or “If I can just make it to that point I’ll feel better”. The expectations I had were holding too much weight and it left me disappointed too often. It wasn’t until I was driving to the doctor’s office to look at the results of my last PET scan that my prayer changed. I decided to accept whatever was in my future, regardless of whether it was what I wanted or not. I prayed a simple prayer, asking for peace and the overwhelming knowledge of God’s presence. As I said amen, something shifted. I knew that if the cancer was still there, I would be okay. I know now that if the cancer comes back I will still be okay. Does this acceptance solve all of my problems or take away my fear? No, not at all, but it does help it sting a little bit less. It allows me to bare my burdens with steadier feet and for now, that is enough.
Cancer will always be a part of who I am and for that I am grateful...well...most of the time. Cancer did change me for the better in many ways and for that I will always be grateful. I am now on the road to recovery following chemo and it may be uphill, but it is so much brighter than before. As my hair grows back so will my physical and mental strength. I am rediscovering what my future looks like and regardless of what lies ahead, I know that I’m not alone.
Stay tuned because I hope my writing days are not behind me. Writing this blog has been a highlight of this experience and I don't know if I am ready to see it go. I will be giving it some thought, but there may be more posts to come. Thank you for walking this journey with me.
Prayer Requests:
- Thanksgiving for good health and so many answered prayers!