Bike Riding and Other Scary Things

We are smack in the middle of it, folks. Three chemo treatments, two lumbar punctures, and one PET scan to go! I would like to discuss the upcoming PET scan. On Friday, October 11th, I will have a PET scan to assess the progress being made by the treatment. To say I'm anxious is an understatement of the highest regard. If I'm being completely transparent, I don't think I could handle any more bad news. If there is a capacity for bad things happening in my life, I hope I've reached it. All I can ask of you, my dear readers, is prayer. Prayer for peace in the waiting, but ultimately a prayer for clear, cancer-free results. 

In the world of cancer, I've heard the term "scan anxiety" spoken of several times. I think the definition is self-explanatory, but I'll expand on my personal experience with this new type of worry. I don't think anxiety is a strong enough term, maybe suspense or angst. In my Google search for a better word, I learned a new one that fits perfectly. It's disquietude. Google defines it as "a state of uneasiness or anxiety" which is simple enough, but my brain takes it a little further. I'm drawn to the first part of the word, "disquiet-". It makes me think of a sort of disruption of quiet. The idea that in these past weeks, as the day of the scan gets closer, I am tormented by a mind that doesn't know silence, just thoughts of constant worry. If the results are not good it could mean more pain and destruction of this life of mine (at least, that is how I see it right now). That is what scan anxiety is like. Although, several other words could take the place of "scan" that would have the same effect. Everyone faces fears of the unknown, knowing nothing and having no way of knowing any time soon, and isn't that the scariest kind? All there is to do is wait and who can say they excel at that?

The best antidotes for my scan anxiety are prayer and distraction. Distraction is key; finding ways to keep my mind occupied and allowing the worry to take a back seat. My writing and journaling help and I immerse myself in books and movies that take me to another world. Though, my biggest blessing has come in the form of a job offer. I'm pleased and honored to be given the opportunity. And here's a little God Wink for you; this blog is partly responsible for helping land the position. If I had never been diagnosed with cancer this blog would not exist and I would not be able to work with and for such a wonderful group of people. 

I was thinking of what this experience has felt like for me so far. I think I can equate it to learning to ride a bike, but up the side of a mountain. When a child is learning to ride her bike without training wheels for the first time the parent jogs behind her, holding the seat, giving encouragement and instruction. Then, as the child gains speed and confidence, the parent lets go but stays close, ready to catch the bike and stabilize it if she starts to wobble. This continues until finally, the child is halfway down the street peddling like a champ, oblivious to the fact that her parent has stopped to admire her success. Well, I feel like the child learning to ride that bike and the parent is God. I've been peddling, but when I start to wobble God reaches out to steady me. What is causing me to wobble? I lost my balance when my doctor told me I had cancer, as the side effects got worse during the second treatment, during two bone marrow biopsies, receiving news of another family member's cancer diagnosis...I could go on. However, each time I wobbled, God reached out and made me feel safe with a supportive family, answered prayers, and now a job offer. I feel like I'm starting to tip over again, the wheel is swerving, but I hope that another answered prayer stabilizes me come Friday. 

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Prayer Requests:

- That my body responds well to the chemo and that the cancer melts away.

- Good results! Good results! Good results!

- Peace from scan anxiety

- Thanks for the new job and a God who stabilizes me.